Fear, a writers worst enemy.

I often find myself making excuses for myself.

I can’t write today because…

  • I’m too tired.
  • I have to much cleaning to do.
  • ..not enough time in the day.
  • To busy with my child
  • I need to read some more books before I write.

I think the hardest part about writing, is starting. It is also hard to let go about what people think.

Last year I completed my first book, and then finished half of the second book. (the sequel to the first.) I self published it, and let me tell you what… boy what a learning experience.

It was not a success. I got quite a bit of feedback. Some positive, but much of it was negative. It wasn’t so much the writing, but the content of my writing that people did not like, or were shocked by.

I didn’t write a fairy tale. Nothing in real life, is ever that pristine. I wanted to write something messy, beautiful and wild -Rife with pain and learning experiences- complete with frustration. Sometimes, out of pure frustration, obscenities fly out of my characters mouth. Shocking, I know! Many people I think did not expect that. I think because of the stories I many times write on my blog, which are more geared towards non-fiction, and are light hearted.

My fiction is completely different, in style and tone. I think in many ways, my characters become something that I can’t become. They explore parts of myself I would not dare explore in real life. They often morph into fantastical beings with supernatural ability, that I will never have. For that, I am grateful, for it is fiction after all.

There were grammatical errors in my book. I did not pay for an editor, because it was not in my budget. I think this is a mistake I will not make again.

Self-Publishing, while a learning experience, I would not do it again until I have experience under my belt with traditional publishing.

Here lies the biggest problem for me with my writing…

My idea has become much larger than I have ever imagined or envisioned. It started with a little short story, about 60 pages in length. Then the second book in the series has become a novel. I am not even finished with it, and yet I have found I have ideas for at least three more novels in the series. The subsequent novels morph into exploration of the human spirit, and of our true nature as spiritual beings.

Overall, the whole topic and basis for the series of books I am writing is  this…

Good people can make poor choices and therefore bad decisions. That doesn’t make them at there core, bad people.

Overall the fear remains…

  • Fear my books won’t be good enough.
  • Fear that I will not finish… well gosh if I finish what then?
  • Anxiety of not finishing…
  • What if I die and these stories are never told?

That leads me into my next blog post… My life long struggle with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder and how it affects my writing and life.



Love Birds Cry

I found some old poetry I wrote. I wrote this while I was in an abusive relationship that lasted on and off for seven years. I wrote this shortly before I left the abuser and found my husband. I guess when you pray real hard and hope that Mr. Right is out there, you find him. For all those women that are in an abusive relationship. I once was you. Please let go. There is a better person waiting out there for you.

Love Birds Cry
I’m like a bird that crys for help,
with no one to save me.
I’m exotic.
I’m used and abused,
then throwen away when I am no longer useful anymore.
I’m a rare and beautiful sight to behold,
but not something that can be loved and adored.
I’m shot at,
day after day because some man wants me for his trophy case.
Then I fly away.
Someday soon,
some beautiful love bird will catch me.
Someone that will love and adore me,
cherish and hold me.
Forever and always.
The men that hurt me,
will fade slowly,
untill they disappear.
Into the forest.
A dark forest filled with nothing but
pain, hurt, loneliness, that will last forever.
As I am living my beautiful dream.
With a love that will last an eternity.

A Wise Man

   A wise man once told me to fight like hell, follow your dreams, and never give up. That wise man was my Grandfather. I miss him very much. He always gave me good advice. Some of that advice I didn’t understand tell I was much older.

Things My Grandfather Told Me

1. Never Go to Bed or Leave Angry-
My Grandfather got into an argument with his only son. That was the last time he saw him. The next time he saw his Son he was in a coffin.
My Mother and I got into a fight before she left for work. She was in a nearly fatal accident. I am glad she was ok so I could tell her how much I loved her, and that I was sorry.

2. Do What Makes You Happy-
I was a teenager that was easily influenced by others around me. My Grandfather told me I needed to do what made me happy. Not what made everyone else happy.
My Grandfather did what everyone else told him. He went to college. He failed miserably. Then he did what he really loved even though his parents told him he would always be a cripple. (He had a bad hand.) He built race cars and built and restored airplanes. He even restored Wacos for the Smithsonian!
Here I am, a few years later. I am reading a great book. I always loved to read and write. I have regrets that I did not pursue a career in writing. I did not pursue my dream because everyone told me it would never make me money. Well you know what? What I am doing right now, is not making me a great deal of money anyways!

3. There is Only One Person for Everyone. Soulmates Do Exist.
  My Grandfather said my Grandmother was his one and only soul mate. After she died, he tried dating many other women. He was even married a second time. (It didn’t last) He truly believed she was the only women ment for him. He said with the other women it was just never the same. My Grandfather told me he knew there was a soulmate waiting out there for me too.
I thought he was crazy. Then I met my Husband. I realized my Grandfather wasn’t so crazy after all. My Husband is my one and only true Soulmate.

4. When you accomplish all you set out to do, you no longer have fear. You make peace. And if you die, you are ok with that.
I’m still working on this one!

What inspiring advice did your Grandparents give you? How has it changed your life?


Generation to Change a Nation

  I am driving home through the hills of Appalachia. I am reminded what beauty our great ancestors saw in this country. It must be the beauty I am seeing now.

Water droplets have just fallen along these hills and heavily wooded areas. The sun is setting and is heating the water droplets. The water is evaporating and turning into fog rolling across the land. This is where I belong. Here in the hills where I feel, I am one with the earth.

Here I am reminded that these hills are sacred and hollow grounds. corporations are destroying them. The greed for natural resources is fierce in this county.

I am brought back to reality. As I pass along sometimes I see a large patch of land cleared for extracting oil. Wells are popping up all over the hills looking like monstrosities. Flames shooting up into the air, emitting toxic gas that probably is affecting the ozone layer here on this planet.

The trees are never replanted. This means we are all breathing more carbon and less oxygen. Trees are living creatures ment to filter the air. We have a symbiotic relationship with them. What we do to our environment directly affects us. What price are we willing to pay for all these commodities? Are we willing to sacrifice our planet and our life for these cooperate entities?

This ground is sacred. They are destroying my country. Corporations. Greed. Central Banking. It is destroying us. We are no longer free. This world is controlled by corporations. This is a corporatocracy ladies and gentlemen. The freedoms we had were taken away and eroded slowly after central banking was introduced to this country. Our founding fathers warned us of this. Presidents have tried to warn us of this. And still very few people are concerned or even notice.

In school we were taught to be obedient little consumers. That is how corporations view us and so we consume and consume untill nothing is left. What happened to the great things my ancestors taught? The Native Americans were very wise people. You kill an animal you use everything. You cut a tree down, you replace it. You farm the land, it will give you more than you can ever imagine. You take care of the planet and it takes care of you.

Its time for a change in conscious. Its time for awareness. Time to stop living in the dark ruled by fear. Ladies and gentlemen, we will be the generation to change the nation. If we wake up and see through the lies. Great change is possible. Greater than imaginable. We are all creators of our destiny. Lets stand up for what is right. For this beautiful planet we live on.

I have a dream one day humanity will be free. My son and generations to come will have promise of a better life than what I have. Free from being consumers, free from being poor, free from oppression, freedom from slavery. A world that is governed by love and not fear. One day we will live peacefully because we have awareness that we are all one. We are all creators in this network of nerves we call the universe. We are all beautiful. And we all deserve more in this life than a 16 hour work day every day almost everyday of the week.