Meditation from a Bar Stool

As I sat alone at the bar, waiting for the people from my high school graduating class to arrive, I observed others and sipped my drink quietly. Two hours and two drinks later, and some really good food, I was still sitting there alone. The people that RSVP’ed never showed and I realized many several things. The most important lesson this taught me, is I am so very lucky.

I phoned my husband, told him that the whole class reunion thing is a joke. We had a good laugh about it, and I asked if he wanted me to get carry outs for him and our Son. Of course he said, “Yes.” I placed the order, then waited for the carryout. As I was waiting I saw most of the men were my husbands age, watching the ball game with there buddies, trying to hit on and pick up women who were my age, or a bit younger. There was one man I observed, that looked to be 55-60 years of age bragging about some young girl that was barley legal that he took home the night before. I have not idea if this was true or not, but never the less entertaining.

The bar scene that looked so good in my early twenties didn’t really appeal to me any longer. Quickly approaching thirty, I wondered why so many people my age still do this. Then it hit me. Some of them are not as lucky. They don’t have a husband and a wonderful little boy to come home to. Most people put careers and money above people.

It was probably one of the reasons no one showed. To busy because of work. To busy hanging out with their friends at a local bar. Maybe people cannot afford to get dinner or drinks, or simply put… people just don’t give a shit.

The carry out arrived, and I settled up with the bartender, and called my family to let them know I love them, I would be home soon.

Random thoughts from this experience: 

If your forty, and hanging out at a bar every night… trying to “pick up a young chick,” watch out. You might get more than you bargain for.

You can only depend on family, and a few good friends. That is the truth.

RSVP’s… I don’t really think people in my generation understand what that means.

People are so inconsiderate.

People just don’t care.

People don’t give a shit.

I’m glad I am not one of those people.

I can’t believe people actually wanted me to rent a room for this thing. I’m glad I didn’t, because I would have had a huge bill.

I am never putting a class reunion together again.

Thank God I can make time for people and I am never too busy for friends or for family.

All this from the corner of a bar stool…

 

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The Joys of Self-Publishing

   I am trying to get my Novel ready for publishing on KPD, and Create a Space, print on demand and I am very frustrated right now. I wanted to share those frustrations with you.

   I wrote my book in word, and when I previewed it in Kindle format, I was surprised at what I saw. It looked nothing like the word document I wrote. Then I did some research and found out why.

   1. Page breaks must be inserted between chapters so they do not run together.
   2. When wanting to move on to another line instead of pressing enter, you must press shift + enter to avoid formating problems.
   3. Do not use tabs. Set the tab with the ruler at the top of the screen, or in paragraph options.

   Ugh… I have to go back and do all of this. I’m just really frustrated right now, and I understand now why people get publishing companies and editors to help them with there books. It’s a very lengthy process, and I must say this is taking longer than I planned. I just had to call it a night and take one step back after this trying day of formatting and editing. I feel like I am going crazy.

   I want the formatting to be close to perfect so the reader can have an enjoyable experience. I find it irritating when I am reading a book that is not formatted properly.

   So here are my thoughts on this… I think I am going to write a short book of poetry so I can get the hang of this formatting stuff, and then come back to my big project, my Novel. That way hopefully the editing and formatting process will come to me more easily after I get the hang of this.

   Self publishing can be such a drag. I am learning alot, even though I am very frustrated.

   Sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel, querying an agent and going with s publishing company. However I want to learn how formatting and publishing work, and I think there is alot that can be learned from taking up that challenge. I just am not sure if doing all this myself is worth the time and frustration.

   So I am gonna keep it simple for now and try doing this with a short collection of poetry, and go from there.

   Has anyone else had similar experiences? What are your thoughts on self-publishing?

Freedom Is Not Free

My Son wildly claps his hands and says “Boom.. boom!” and he owhhs… and ahhhs… as we watch the fireworks from the balcony of our one bedroom apartment. Here I am reminded that freedom is not free and we are not done fighting for it yet.

How can you be free when your husband and you have to work two jobs each, and you are barely scraping by? How is this freedom when I’m lucky if I see my husband and our Son is lucky if he sees his father one day a week! No this is not freedom. This is prison. Freedom isn’t free. No not at all.

I hope someday that the world will be freed from all of this oppression. That people will love each other enough to work together to fix the global system that is broken and corrupt. People will stop using money and use their skills and barter. To become self-sufficient.  Rely on a system where we help each other instead of a system built on currency and numbers that are just punched in computers.

I hope someday I will be able to enjoy time with my family. That I am able to relax and I can live my life as I choose. That I can be free.

Never has there been a greater need for freedom. For a new beginning. For a chance to break the system, and build a new system that worked for thousands of years, before corrupt governments came and changed it. No Freedom isn’t free. We are not free yet. I hope I am able to be there when the system collapses and we can rebuild something based on love.

My Son says “oowhh…Ahhhh…” I look at him and say “Yes, we still have a long way to go… we still have a long way to go.”

A Wise Man

   A wise man once told me to fight like hell, follow your dreams, and never give up. That wise man was my Grandfather. I miss him very much. He always gave me good advice. Some of that advice I didn’t understand tell I was much older.

Things My Grandfather Told Me

1. Never Go to Bed or Leave Angry-
My Grandfather got into an argument with his only son. That was the last time he saw him. The next time he saw his Son he was in a coffin.
My Mother and I got into a fight before she left for work. She was in a nearly fatal accident. I am glad she was ok so I could tell her how much I loved her, and that I was sorry.

2. Do What Makes You Happy-
I was a teenager that was easily influenced by others around me. My Grandfather told me I needed to do what made me happy. Not what made everyone else happy.
My Grandfather did what everyone else told him. He went to college. He failed miserably. Then he did what he really loved even though his parents told him he would always be a cripple. (He had a bad hand.) He built race cars and built and restored airplanes. He even restored Wacos for the Smithsonian!
Here I am, a few years later. I am reading a great book. I always loved to read and write. I have regrets that I did not pursue a career in writing. I did not pursue my dream because everyone told me it would never make me money. Well you know what? What I am doing right now, is not making me a great deal of money anyways!

3. There is Only One Person for Everyone. Soulmates Do Exist.
  My Grandfather said my Grandmother was his one and only soul mate. After she died, he tried dating many other women. He was even married a second time. (It didn’t last) He truly believed she was the only women ment for him. He said with the other women it was just never the same. My Grandfather told me he knew there was a soulmate waiting out there for me too.
I thought he was crazy. Then I met my Husband. I realized my Grandfather wasn’t so crazy after all. My Husband is my one and only true Soulmate.

4. When you accomplish all you set out to do, you no longer have fear. You make peace. And if you die, you are ok with that.
I’m still working on this one!

What inspiring advice did your Grandparents give you? How has it changed your life?

 

Laughs, Giggles and Playtime!

My husband was getting ready to leave for work tonight. My son looks at him and pulls at his scrub top, and he begins to giggle and squeal. I don’t think he wants Daddy to leave. I don’t either.

I look at my Husband. This man who works many sixteen hour days. A man I love and have great respect and tenderness for. I wish he would be able to work less and spend more time with us. He is doing what he can to provide for his family. It is also a reminder of why I must write.
He encourages me, and reads everything I write. My Husband is my biggest fan. (I call him my editor, because he reads over my shoulder and makes me aware of what needs to be revised.) I hope someday I will be able to make enough money from one of my books. Enough so we can have more laughing, giggling, and more playtime as a family. I write out of love.

Generation to Change a Nation

  I am driving home through the hills of Appalachia. I am reminded what beauty our great ancestors saw in this country. It must be the beauty I am seeing now.

Water droplets have just fallen along these hills and heavily wooded areas. The sun is setting and is heating the water droplets. The water is evaporating and turning into fog rolling across the land. This is where I belong. Here in the hills where I feel, I am one with the earth.

Here I am reminded that these hills are sacred and hollow grounds. corporations are destroying them. The greed for natural resources is fierce in this county.

I am brought back to reality. As I pass along sometimes I see a large patch of land cleared for extracting oil. Wells are popping up all over the hills looking like monstrosities. Flames shooting up into the air, emitting toxic gas that probably is affecting the ozone layer here on this planet.

The trees are never replanted. This means we are all breathing more carbon and less oxygen. Trees are living creatures ment to filter the air. We have a symbiotic relationship with them. What we do to our environment directly affects us. What price are we willing to pay for all these commodities? Are we willing to sacrifice our planet and our life for these cooperate entities?

This ground is sacred. They are destroying my country. Corporations. Greed. Central Banking. It is destroying us. We are no longer free. This world is controlled by corporations. This is a corporatocracy ladies and gentlemen. The freedoms we had were taken away and eroded slowly after central banking was introduced to this country. Our founding fathers warned us of this. Presidents have tried to warn us of this. And still very few people are concerned or even notice.

In school we were taught to be obedient little consumers. That is how corporations view us and so we consume and consume untill nothing is left. What happened to the great things my ancestors taught? The Native Americans were very wise people. You kill an animal you use everything. You cut a tree down, you replace it. You farm the land, it will give you more than you can ever imagine. You take care of the planet and it takes care of you.

Its time for a change in conscious. Its time for awareness. Time to stop living in the dark ruled by fear. Ladies and gentlemen, we will be the generation to change the nation. If we wake up and see through the lies. Great change is possible. Greater than imaginable. We are all creators of our destiny. Lets stand up for what is right. For this beautiful planet we live on.

I have a dream one day humanity will be free. My son and generations to come will have promise of a better life than what I have. Free from being consumers, free from being poor, free from oppression, freedom from slavery. A world that is governed by love and not fear. One day we will live peacefully because we have awareness that we are all one. We are all creators in this network of nerves we call the universe. We are all beautiful. And we all deserve more in this life than a 16 hour work day every day almost everyday of the week.

The Calling

We are all called to do things in life. Some people are called to be priests or missionaries. I was called to be a Nursing Assistant. I was reminded today, of all the reasons why became one.

As I help these people with their daily care, they tell me of their interests. They also reflect upon life and tell me stories of their own. I am reminded that these people were once young and able bodied, just like me. They had the same hopes and dreams as I have now. I laugh and I cry with them. I am a part of their family, and they… a part of mine. They have shared their knowledge with me. That to me, is more valuable than a goldmine.
I don’t do it for the money. I am working for peanuts. My payment is the plethora of knowledge, the elder give me. The amazing stories that they share. They are sharing part of their life with me. I am sharing a part of myself with them.

I am a Nursing Assistaint because the human soul is beautiful and resilient. I do it because I am human. I love and I feel.

Hey you! Behind that desk, are you happy now?

I see you everyday I work. I come in at six a.m. and I leave at two p.m. You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. I’m not blind. I see you are on salary. You make up your own hours. You don’t care.  Sometimes you come in at 8 a.m. It’s usually 10 a.m. though. I see you walk quickly down the hallway. A mad dash to your office… where you will sit all day and pretend to be busy. Your usually talking to your kid or your hot mess of a girlfriend on the phone. I’m not stupid. Your still getting paid the same, to sit and hide in your office all day.

Here I am… knee deep in shit, and I really am. I got a resident over here that has dementia and loves to play in there poop. I have a new admission that has irritable bowel syndrome, and half my hall has been quarantined because they have c-diff. Call lights are ringing and the hallway is lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree. The nurse is trying to help me as much as she can, but she has got to get her meds passed and check blood sugars before lunch arrives.

All the other Nursing Assistants are knee deep in shit too, not to mention the five people with Alzheimers, just one of those aids has. They keep trying to get out of the short term care unit, because you neglected to put them in the locked unit for fear they would no longer be “skilled,” and you would loose your precious money. Meanwhile we are ready to piss ourselves because we were not able to take a restroom break or lunch break because we all fear we would get reprimanded and fired.

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. You think you could help me out here! You were once a Nursing Assistant, an Registered Nurse. You used to work the floor. Did you forget what it was like? To have compassion? To treat these residents with respect and dignity?  To not just see them as a dollar sign when they walk in the door? Did you forget to show your employees the same respect as well?

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. You think you could help me out here! It’s Christmas again! Every single call light is on and ringing. Half of these people need to go to the bathroom. You think you could put them on the bedpan, or commode for me? Im drowning! Three people need ice water. You think you could at least do that? I promise you won’t have to get your hands dirty. I got a family member thats upset. You think you could come talk to them? It’s your job to make sure complainants are addressed.

No I will handle it. Do the job of many different people. I wear many different hats. Don’t you see? You hide behind that desk and close your office door. Never do you hear the complaints of residents, because they are dissatisfied that the  administrators did not care to introduce themselves. No they dont even know who you are.

Never have you heard a person sob, because this is their first time receiving treatment in a nursing home. Never will you listen to a wife, talk about the husband she has been married to for fifty-two years, that just passed away, right before she fell and broke her hip.  Now she is here. Never will you hold the hand of a dying person, and console their family members. This person was their Father, their Mother, Spouse, Grandfather, Great-Grandfather, and so much more. To me they were a friend.

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. I see you, papers pilled high around you now. Your stressed out and sweating. And you know what? I don’t give a damn. Squirm like the worm that you are! Should have thought about that while you were on the phone, taking personal phone calls. Ignoring these wise and wonderful human beings. These elderly, their family members, your staff. Word has it if census does not increase you will be fired. Was it worth it? Was all the money really worth it? Hopefully this experience was humbling.  I can only hope it gave you a lesson in compassion.

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. Get the hell off you high horse and the horse you rode in on!