On Marriage- From a Child’s Perspective…

 

Me and Noah Carosel

Richland Carousel – Mother and Son

Yesterday my Husband and I celebrated our fifth year wedding Anniversary. Our Marriage has been far from easy, and I think we have had every stressor a couple can have. A chronically ill child, myself being ill as well as my husband. Then we had the financial burden that comes along with all this illness. (And is still a burden we are still facing)

This year has been the hardest, but it has also been the greatest because we have each other. I’m so thankful for my family and for my Son, and for the grace God gives us to get through each day, one step at a time.

This Anniversary we Celebrated together as a family. It’s a miracle that we are all still breathing in this air on God’s green earth. What a gift it is to be alive!

We went to the Mansfield Penitentiary, and then the Richland Carousel. Noah was so excited to celebrate our Anniversary with us, and reminded me about something important. The celebration of an Anniversary, is not just about the celebration of a couple, but the celebration of a family.

Noah and Mike

Mansfield Penitentiary – Father and Son

I was six months pregnant with him when we were married. We all came into this marriage as a family. We were all brought together because of this special little guy. As such, our marriage should be celebrated together, and it hardly seems right that we should leave Noah out of it, since he was with us on our special day. Wise beyond his years, and my greatest teacher, Noah always has something to say…

“Mommy I was in your belly, when you, Daddy, and Me, got married to each-other.”

….Yes Noah. That is what marriage is all about. The blending of two families, and the creation of another soul born into this world to bring people together. Family, that is what a marriage is all about when you really think about it.

My Wedding

August 29, 2013 – Our Wedding

I couldn’t think of a more perfect weekend to have a wedding. Every Anniversary I get to celebrate Mother’s Day too, and the greatest gift God has blessed me with- my family.

Noah's Birthday

My Husband – Welcoming Noah into this world

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Beautiful Chaos

Chaos

My Son and I

Amongst all the mess, the toys strewn across the floor, screeching children running around my house -after the week we had been through as a family- I welcomed it.

I was simply happy that my Son was able to play with his friends, and squeal with delight and joy -that the previous week- he had been unable to do.

Sometimes we just have to take a step back and realize, that when it comes to life, not much is in our control.

Sometimes born out of this chaos of life, we find things we never expected. A friend to laugh and cry with. Unconditional love and advice from our parents… Pure joy, and realization that life is so darn precious. We find gratitude, and are sometimes humbled by our experiences. If we listen close enough, dare I say we may even find the voice of God?

Children, we are all children of God. Maybe if we saw the world through the eyes of a child, it wouldn’t be so bad. Chaotic and Beautiful, something that we did not plan.

His Spirit Lives

Sometimes when I’m writing I hit a wall. I wouldn’t call it writers block, I would just say that I am in too into my charcters. 

While my fiction is not true, and my Charcters are made up, I often get ideas from real life. Then I incorporate the lessons that I learn from life into my book.

Tonight one of my Characters Jen lost her Grandfather. As I wrote this I couldn’t help but think of my Grandfather, and I just had to stop because it is too deep. 

“This is it, are you ready?” My Mother asked.

“Are we really ever ready for a moment like this?”

“This is it. It is time to say Goodbye.” Mom grasped my hand and we walked to the coffin together 

“It’s Pa paw, and he doesn’t look like himself. He looks so small.”

“I know sweetie. The body is just a shell. He has moved on.”

“No his spirit lives in us Mom.”

I’m not gonna lie. I cried. I really miss my own Grandfather, and I know that his spirit, his DNA lives in me. 

I can still hear him telling me to do what I love. I am doing that now. If ever there was a time where I wish I could talk to my Grandfather, it would be now. I want to share what I love with him. The Great-Grandson he has. I would want him to meet my Husband, because the have the same sense of humor. I would want to share my love of writing with him, and be the first person to read my Novel. 

This is difficult for me to write, even though it is fiction, because I know how it is to lose the only Grandfather you have ever known, that understands what a fierce and stubborn person you can be. 

I felt as if my Grandfather was guiding my hands as I was writing. This book is turning out to be more than I had ever imagined. 

Auld Lang Syne

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As the sun begins to set, the breeze brings with it a melody from the Valley. Faintly the church bells are heard in the distance sweetly singing the melody Auld Lang Syne. It was appropriate because as the clock chimed, another year rolled by. The sunset began to set as my Grandson and I walked toward it and into the field. A lovely way to end my 60th birthday party. He smiled at me as a new hour dawned and said,

“Happy Birthday Grandpy! Happy Birthday. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said and then kissed his little head.

He fell asleep as I carried him back to his Mother. I remember when she was young, and I brought her home on a day like this. I saw all the light in the world, and for a minute I thought heaven was in my hand. It was in this moment with my Grandson, I saw the beauty of God’s plan.

Notes:

This is a fiction piece from the perspective of a Grandfather. He is 60, and time continues to move on. For him it is just another day, but he doesn’t want to be reminded of it. He understands that the every year brings a certain finality with it, and that one day he will no longer be here (walking into the sunset) and leaving a legacy for his Daughter and Grandson.

I got this idea from a song I heard from the church down the road. The electronic bells really do carry the tune Auld Lang Syne. It was really my Father’s Birthday today, and I wrote this for him. He has a very special relationship with my Son, and I also wanted to capture this in the story.

This gives you an idea of how I get ideas for my stories and books. By being observant, and looking at the world with wonderment. From the eyes of a child.

For those of you who write, I am interested to know how you come up with ideas for your stories, and what inspires you?

Please leave your comments below.

Season of Miracles

Last night my Mother-in-law, Father-in-law, My Husband and I, as well as our son, went to see the Christmas light show in Cambridge Ohio, at the court.

Our son giggled with glee and pointed to the lights as he kicked his legs and bobbed his head. “Look Dat!” He said and pointed every time someone passed us on the sidewalk.

Tears began streaming down his face. It could have been just because he was cold however, he was dressed warmly. I began to wonder if he felt the same way I did two years previously when he was just a seed my tummy.

My boyfriend and I were sitting there in church at the Christmas mass and silent night was being sung. I started to cry as I thought about my Christmas miracle stirring inside of me. I finally got it! The Christmas story is everyone’s story.

I looked at my boyfriend. I felt what I believed was the first flutter of life moving inside of me. I looked at him and said, “I know It’s a boy and we will call him Noah.” I was pregnant and unmarried at the time. People judged me because of this. They didn’t know my boyfriend and I, who later became my Husband. Personally I didn’t care. This was our Christmas miracle

As Noah cried, the memories came back. I remembered that night in church. I cried because our Child was a promise. The promise of a Christmas miracle. Two Christmas before that, we were trying to grapple with the news that I would never have a child. Yet here he is. He must have felt what I felt. Joy and beauty that he was a miracle. My son changed our lives.

I felt what Mary must have felt all those years ago. Happiness that God had blessed her with a beautiful baby boy. She also felt sadness because of those that judged her, because she was an unwed mother.

Noah understands this is the season of miracles. It was also this season of miracles that brought my husband and I together. It was at a Christmas time we
really connected. It was because of Christmas our son is here today.

The Christmas story is everyone’s story. With great pain is great joy. Without pain, there would be no hope. Happiness would cease to exist.

This is the season of miracles. Yours is right around the corner. Never give up hope.

The Gift

We did not get approved for the car loan. However, every cloud has a silver lining. My parents, passing on the great legacy my Grandfather bestowed upon them, decided to help us out. My Mother applied for the loan for the new vehicle, since we could have not afforded another car payment anyways, had we been approved for the loan. She gave us her car. It belonged to her father. It was a bittersweet moment. In may ways, my Grandfather still lives on. He lives through my Mother.

My Grandpa would have done anything for anyone that he loved. It was just what he did. He gave love unconditionally and never asked for anything in return. My Mother and Father are very much the same way. My Mom handed the title over to Me. The last owners name, was my Grandfathers. Yes, this car belonged to my Grandfather. It was never really anyone’s car. We still called it my Grandfathers car after he died. It just didn’t feel right calling anything else. His glasses where in the glove box, right were he left them. The license plate that was his, still in the trunk for safe keeping. This is the car that continues to give. Just as my Grandfather did, and still does even though he is long gone. My Mother and I shared something special yesterday at the Auto title place. A memory of a man we all wish we could share our life and memories with.

We cried as we shared this memory. My Mother inherited the car from my Grandfather. My Mother gave the car to me. It was gifted not once, but twice. the car still keeps giving, just like my Grandfather did. As my parents now do. I thought about how that car my husband was driving, was probably not very safe. I count my blessing,s and can’t help but think my Grandfather had something to do with this. He is still looking down on all of us are all ok. I cant imagine what would have happened to Mike had he not been on a country road. I know my Grandfather is with my family. I have felt he always has been. He continues to live on and his legacy is one that has been passed to my parents and will be passed to us. This is the greatest gift of all. unconditional love, and memories and time spent with those you love that can never be paid back.

The Birth of a Father

   Becoming a Father is a series of miraculous events. The father expectantly waits for the arrival of a child. Expectantly means watchfully waiting. Fathers are watchfully waiting from the very moment that baby is conceived. They are watching creation take place right before their eyes. Fathers are waiting for life to happen. Then it does. Out of love, life is born. This is one of the most important events in a mans life.

The Father becomes expectant again. He is watchfully waiting. He is watching his child grow, waiting for them to take their first step, waiting for their first birthday, graduate high school, and then college. Then they meet someone. Someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. They begin waiting for the marriage of their daughter.

My Father who I have always called Dad is singing a beautiful song “Borning Cry.” He sang it right before he came to walk me down the aisle. I hear him cry as he sings the last line “to see your life unfold.” I start to cry too. This was the same song he sang at my Baptism. The day I was born to the Father in heaven. The doors open and My Father and I walk into the sanctuary. He gives me to my Husband.

My Husband is expectantly waiting too. As I am standing at the Alter, my little son is kicking the inside of my stomach wildly. I am six moths pregnant now, He can probably feel how nervous I am. As we say our vows, my Husband starts to tear up. Then we are made Husband and wife. We are made a family.

At the reception my Father and I dance. I notice my father is starting to look older, he now has gray hair. I had never noticed it before. Probably because he is my Dad. When we are younger we think our Dads will always be here. So we never see they are ageing. Then I am scared. I  don’t want to ever have to live without him. He is one of the first people who ever held me. One of the first people that loved me. I love him. I am thankful my Dad is still here. That he is able to share this special moment with me.

A few months later, My Husband and My Father are expectantly waiting. My Husband, the birth of His First Child. My Father, the birth of his First Grandchild. He was two weeks overdue, so I was induced. After 77 and 1/2  hours of labor, his head started to crown. My Husband started to shout excitedly “He has a full head of hair! Oh my God this is so cool! Push…!! Pushpushpush!” My Dad and My Father-In-Law were listening to all of this happen, downstairs from a cell phone that was on next to me on a bedside table. After a half hour of pushing He was born.

Expectantness begins again. This time it is my Husband. He is watchfully waiting for his son to grow up.

Life is a series of events where Fathers are Expectant. They watchfully wait, for the culmination of an event to happen. They reinvent themselves, and are born all over again.

I thank My Dad and My Husband for always being Expectant Fathers, and to all other Fathers that are Expectantly waiting.

Generation to Change a Nation

  I am driving home through the hills of Appalachia. I am reminded what beauty our great ancestors saw in this country. It must be the beauty I am seeing now.

Water droplets have just fallen along these hills and heavily wooded areas. The sun is setting and is heating the water droplets. The water is evaporating and turning into fog rolling across the land. This is where I belong. Here in the hills where I feel, I am one with the earth.

Here I am reminded that these hills are sacred and hollow grounds. corporations are destroying them. The greed for natural resources is fierce in this county.

I am brought back to reality. As I pass along sometimes I see a large patch of land cleared for extracting oil. Wells are popping up all over the hills looking like monstrosities. Flames shooting up into the air, emitting toxic gas that probably is affecting the ozone layer here on this planet.

The trees are never replanted. This means we are all breathing more carbon and less oxygen. Trees are living creatures ment to filter the air. We have a symbiotic relationship with them. What we do to our environment directly affects us. What price are we willing to pay for all these commodities? Are we willing to sacrifice our planet and our life for these cooperate entities?

This ground is sacred. They are destroying my country. Corporations. Greed. Central Banking. It is destroying us. We are no longer free. This world is controlled by corporations. This is a corporatocracy ladies and gentlemen. The freedoms we had were taken away and eroded slowly after central banking was introduced to this country. Our founding fathers warned us of this. Presidents have tried to warn us of this. And still very few people are concerned or even notice.

In school we were taught to be obedient little consumers. That is how corporations view us and so we consume and consume untill nothing is left. What happened to the great things my ancestors taught? The Native Americans were very wise people. You kill an animal you use everything. You cut a tree down, you replace it. You farm the land, it will give you more than you can ever imagine. You take care of the planet and it takes care of you.

Its time for a change in conscious. Its time for awareness. Time to stop living in the dark ruled by fear. Ladies and gentlemen, we will be the generation to change the nation. If we wake up and see through the lies. Great change is possible. Greater than imaginable. We are all creators of our destiny. Lets stand up for what is right. For this beautiful planet we live on.

I have a dream one day humanity will be free. My son and generations to come will have promise of a better life than what I have. Free from being consumers, free from being poor, free from oppression, freedom from slavery. A world that is governed by love and not fear. One day we will live peacefully because we have awareness that we are all one. We are all creators in this network of nerves we call the universe. We are all beautiful. And we all deserve more in this life than a 16 hour work day every day almost everyday of the week.

Watch “The Real You – Alan Watts” on YouTube

The Real You – Alan Watts: http://youtu.be/mMRrCYPxD0I

I couldnt resist sharing this video. This man is one of my favorite philosophers of all time. While searching my soul, I have come to many of the same conclusions that he has. This is so beautiful. You are an amazing being. We should never forget that. We are all one. The “I am.”

Rebirth

  When I look at my son, I see such promise and hope. I understand why Jesus said we should all be like children.

My son trusts others completely. He has not learned what it’s like for someone to break his trust. He loves others with every fiber of his being. He has not learned what it is like for someone to crush his heart and soul. He lives fearlessly. He is learning to walk. He sometimes falls down. He always gets back up like nothing happened and continues to laugh and smile as he pulls himself up, and he tries again, and again.

In my eyes he is perfect. He is a spitting image of the creator. Uninhibited. Un-fearful. He is love.

He reminds me of what is wrong with the world. We forget to be children. We forget to love with a complete love. To be completely uninhibited. To get back up if we fail. If life knocks us on our ass, not to give up. Try… and then, try again. If more people saw the world through the eyes of a child, there would be no war. Just love and hope. That is the secret of life.

I look at my sweet baby boy, as I stroke his hair and he smiles. He is the reason I will never give up. He is the reason I am reminded to see the world through the eyes of a child. He gives me life. I am made complete and I am reborn through the eyes of a child. He smiles in his sleep. I kiss his forehead and tell him what a miracle he is. That he was the one that gave birth to me.