Sleep Deprived Moms

Stay-at-home Mom’s are very rarely ever appreciated. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending my days with my Son, watching him grow into the amazing little man that he is, but sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.

When I go out, my Son goes everywhere with me. Most of my close friends do not have children, and the few that do, our schedules do not allow us to get together.

Many nights I spend getting only 2-3 hours of sleep. When my son wakes up and has to go to the bathroom, or when he has a nightmare and cries, I get up with him every single time.

I have a confession to Make. I am jealous of my Husband and quite honestly depressed. He works 8-1 6 hrs. a day, comes home and gets 6-8 hrs of sleep. I honestly cannot remember a night in which I have gotten 3 hours. The other night I was so tired, I put the ice cream in the refrigerator, and then two days ago I fell down the stairs. It does not help that I have a vestibular disorder that gets continually worse with sleep deprivation.

When My husband wants to go hang out with his friends, I let him, and I know he works hard. But it is not reciprocal, I can count the number of times my Husband has offered to watch our son on one hand. I just feel like I can’t catch a break. The only time I get for myself is between 1:30 and 2 a.m. and even that is interrupted since our Son is a light sleeper like I am.

I guess I feel like what I do doesn’t matter. All I ask is 1-2 hours of uninterrupted time to dedicate to my work, which is writing. I’m tired, and depressed. So the little time that I could be sleeping, is spent writing because I have no choice. During the day, as I am tying to write I have a toddler that keeps trying to help me write, and is scribbling all over my manuscript. I guess I am hoping I am not alone in feeling this way.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work.Writing is work too. I don’t think anyone understands that. It is something I have to do so I don’t lose my Mind, because only getting 6 hours of sleep the last three nights has been pure torture.

If only I could sleep like a husband!

 

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A Little Less Rain

Sorry I have been away for so long. My son had some health problems recently without going into detail,  but he is ok now. I have been working a lot to try to pay off debt. It seems like it is a never ending battle.

Recently my husband’s car took a shit, and when I mean took a shit, the whole engine went bad. Now we are in need of a new used car. With times being tough and our credit score being low, we are praying somewhere will approve us for a loan. My car is twenty years old and on its last leg.  So im praying in the that wont take a shit for at least another year. These things that happened could not have happened at a worst time.

I’m trying to stay positive through all of this. It is so hard. Sometimes I feel like crying, screaming, mostly just feel like giving up. I don’t understand why it is so hard for honest people who work their ass off, to just make it by. I have only $80 this week for gas food diapers and wipes. Payday cannot come fast enough.

When it rains it pours. I hope there is a silver lining in this dark cloud. I pray we get approved for this car loan.
I wont be able to blog for a while, unless there is free wifi. For a couple of months now we have had no internet. It is not a necessity, so it goes. I know many of you are in the same exact situation here in America, and other countries as well. Just know that you are not alone. I’m not giving up because my story isn’t  written yet. Neither is yours. We all could use a little less rain.

Walking the Line

As I was talking to my Mom last night, I was reminded of how important family is. My family is what keeps me grounded, and sane.

All of us go through times when we are depressed, and sometimes depression makes us crazy. Depression causes people to do things they wouldn’t normally do. I am a creative person, and like many other creative people….I walk that fine line. I am either sane, or under extreme amounts of stress… I can crack and be completely crazy.

About six years ago, everything that could and would go wrong in my life did. My Grandfather became sick and passed.    I had became pregnant. Lost the baby. My boyfriend, who I was living with was physically and mentally abusive. He threw me out of a moving vehicle while I was pregnant. I became an alcoholic. It was one of the few things that helped me deal with all of my pain and anger. My family couldn’t deal with my crazy mood swings.

That one time in my life… I really think I could have been classified as being bipolar. I felt like I was completely mad. I have realized this years later as I am reading this book written by Kay Redfield Jamison… An Unquiet Mind. I am reminded while having this conversation with my Mother, that all of us walk that fine line. During that time my Mother felt very depressed too. Of course she was. She had just lost her father, and best friend. Years later, I found out the only way both my mother and I, dealt with this cloud over our heads was, exercise.

I would get so mad, one of the few ways I calmed myself down was running. I put on my iPod and ran. I ran at 3am in the morning. When I couldn’t sleep. I was running from my life. It was me and the pavement. Myself and my mind. I look back on those times, I am reminded that brilliant and creative people always walk that fine line. Mainly because their mind does not have and off switch or a filter. We are always thinking, even as we sleep.

The only things that kept me from completely going crazy were my family, friends, and exercise. And for that I am thankful.