IV. Chasing Dreams- What the hell is this supposed to mean?

   I thought nothing of the episode of food poising that I had. The next morning it happened. I felt fine. “This is strange!” I thought. Then it began to add up. “OMG! Maybe? Could it be!?” I grabbed my keys and was out the door as quickly as my feet would carry me.

I ran down the aisle when I got to Giant Eagle.  I grabbed the first box of pregnancy tests I found. I felt nervous and giddy as the cashier rung them up. I raced home to the bathroom where I would wait on my final results.

Those moments when you are waiting for the results to appear on the window are the hardest. I saw the result. Now I had to figure out how to tell my boyfriend.

It was the moment of truth… I handed him the test. He said, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I said, “You see those two lines on the strip? That means I’m pregnant!” He smiled and we kissed. Our long lost dream had manifested itself. Don’t give up hope. Not yet… Not yet…

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III. Chasing Dreams- Pipe Dreams

We were chasing our dreams, and my dream of being a mother was no longer a possibility. With every passing day, accepting that I could no longer possibly become pregnant became harder. I grew more depressed. Every time my wonderful little red friend would visit, it was a reminder of my failure. My infertility. I would sob and be depressed for the whole week. I would be angry taking it out on the only person that supported me, the love of my life.

After carrying on like this for three months, My significant other couldn’t take it anymore. So he did what he could do and made a proposal. His proposal was to try, and continue to try to have a child. If we did get pregnant he promised he would marry me. It gave me hope. I agreed. They crying stopped. At least we were trying. Weeks turned into months, months turned into a year. Trying no longer became fun. We both looked forward to getting it over with.

We went out one night. Had a few drinks to go with our dinner. We were both relaxed. We had awesome sex, for the first time in a long time. We thought nothing of it. We had stopped trying. Whatever would happen would happen.

It was always in the back of my head though. My pipe dream destroyed. On Mothers Day I went shopping with my Mom. I saw a Mother with a little baby. I lost it. I cried in the middle of the store. The tears kept flowing. They did not stop. If I couldn’t have a baby, I simply was not happy.

Then we were at a wedding. My partner in crime and I had a great time. It was his sister’s wedding. For the first time in a long time I had forgotten about my lost pipe dream. I was so caught up in everyone else’s happiness and it felt great! I started feeling a little sick to my stomach. I took one sip of beer and couldn’t touch it. The chicken, and I love chicken, smelled so gross. Then my significant others mother asked, “You think your pregnant?… No, no, I couldnt be!” I said almost immediately after she asked. I danced all night. We had a great time.

We went back to the hotel room. I was very tired. My hips hurt. I started thinking about what his Mother said. In my heart I was saying maybe, but my head was saying, “That’s not possible.”

A few weeks later we after we went out to eat, I was pretty sure I had gotten food poisoning. Projectile vomit for 45 minutes. It was coming out of my nose and it burned. It was so bad I couldn’t breathe when I was throwing up. My significant other was holding my hair back. It was so gross even he couldn’t handle it! I heard laughter from the other room. My husband was laughing at me and kept saying. “Oh God, hahahaha… oh God!” Little did he know I would be having the last laugh!

Written by V.C. Christian

II. Chasing Dreams- Infertility

   It hit me like a box of rocks, and it hurt. It really hurt! I sat there, on the couch looking at my one and only soul mate. I burst into tears. “What’s wrong?” He asked. “Today, at the Doctor’s appointment they told me I couldn’t have children.” I sobbed even harder. He hugged me. We were chasing our dreams. Our every hope and dream of a family now gone. My other half did all he could do. Reassure me that he loved me.
I told him I felt like less of a women. “A woman that can’t produce childeren! What the hell kind of women is that!” He kissed me and listened to me. Then he told me he loved me, and it didn’t make me any less of a woman. He said we would travel just me and him all over the world. We could do things that people with children could not do. That dream of having a family was just a pipe dream. Now…Back to reality. We were chasing a different dream. The only dream we had left.

Chasing Dreams- Love

    We were chasing our dreams. We met in the most unlikely place. At work. Your eyes met mine more than once that day. It was love at first sight. We sat down. to chart, and we began to talk. You were 15 years my senior, but that didn’t matter. We were two lost souls that found each other. Now our lives were complete.

We made small talk. About the weather, the kind of music we liked, what our interests and hobbies were. Changing diapers all day, and dealing with combative residents all had taken its toll. We were very hungry. It was a hell of a night, so we decided we were going out for dinner and drinks. Some of my friends and family met up with us. You hadn’t had much to drink, but you are were a light weight. After two drinks you became relaxed. You started giggling and talking hell of a lot. We were both tipsy and giggling fools. This lead to posting stupid and inappropriate things on Facebook. Things were getting wild now! Those comments were later removed when we both became sober.

The next weekend we went to a party. We were making music together. You were playing guitar and I was singing. A good time lead to drinking And then we got all lovely dovey.

We had so much fun that night that we went out the next night to see the new Harry Potter movie that came out at midnight. We went out for tacos beforehand. Like kids in again, we were in love. Sitting there, giggling like fools at the Taco Bell Drive through. This must be love. I went home with you that night, as I did the other two nights. This time was different though. Instead of cuddling and playing scrabble into the we hours of the night, we talked about the Dreams we have and have had, and about the future. This was the first moment I knew I loved you.

We were two souls chasing our dreams but somehow we had gotten lost. We had found each other. That was the first time you told me you loved me. The first time you touched my face and looked deeply into my eyes as we sat there on the couch. They say the eyes are the window to our souls, and they really are. That day I saw me in you. The women that used to love without regret, take risked without fear, chased her dreams and never gave up. You reminded me I lost my hope and faith. I gave up on my dreams. You told me not to give up. Just not yet. Not this time.

That night you made love to me. Like a woman should be made love to. You were gentle and kind. You took your time. I knew you were mine. We cuddled afterwards for hours, until I had to get up for work the next morning. I went to get up, you held me close and told me not to go. I didn’t want to leave either. I had just found the other half of my soul. The half of my soul that forgot about my dreams, and I would give up over and over again. Each time you reminded me. Don’t give up yet. Not yet… not yet….

Written by V.C. Christian Continue reading