II. Chasing Dreams- Infertility

   It hit me like a box of rocks, and it hurt. It really hurt! I sat there, on the couch looking at my one and only soul mate. I burst into tears. “What’s wrong?” He asked. “Today, at the Doctor’s appointment they told me I couldn’t have children.” I sobbed even harder. He hugged me. We were chasing our dreams. Our every hope and dream of a family now gone. My other half did all he could do. Reassure me that he loved me.
I told him I felt like less of a women. “A woman that can’t produce childeren! What the hell kind of women is that!” He kissed me and listened to me. Then he told me he loved me, and it didn’t make me any less of a woman. He said we would travel just me and him all over the world. We could do things that people with children could not do. That dream of having a family was just a pipe dream. Now…Back to reality. We were chasing a different dream. The only dream we had left.

Chasing Dreams- Love

    We were chasing our dreams. We met in the most unlikely place. At work. Your eyes met mine more than once that day. It was love at first sight. We sat down. to chart, and we began to talk. You were 15 years my senior, but that didn’t matter. We were two lost souls that found each other. Now our lives were complete.

We made small talk. About the weather, the kind of music we liked, what our interests and hobbies were. Changing diapers all day, and dealing with combative residents all had taken its toll. We were very hungry. It was a hell of a night, so we decided we were going out for dinner and drinks. Some of my friends and family met up with us. You hadn’t had much to drink, but you are were a light weight. After two drinks you became relaxed. You started giggling and talking hell of a lot. We were both tipsy and giggling fools. This lead to posting stupid and inappropriate things on Facebook. Things were getting wild now! Those comments were later removed when we both became sober.

The next weekend we went to a party. We were making music together. You were playing guitar and I was singing. A good time lead to drinking And then we got all lovely dovey.

We had so much fun that night that we went out the next night to see the new Harry Potter movie that came out at midnight. We went out for tacos beforehand. Like kids in again, we were in love. Sitting there, giggling like fools at the Taco Bell Drive through. This must be love. I went home with you that night, as I did the other two nights. This time was different though. Instead of cuddling and playing scrabble into the we hours of the night, we talked about the Dreams we have and have had, and about the future. This was the first moment I knew I loved you.

We were two souls chasing our dreams but somehow we had gotten lost. We had found each other. That was the first time you told me you loved me. The first time you touched my face and looked deeply into my eyes as we sat there on the couch. They say the eyes are the window to our souls, and they really are. That day I saw me in you. The women that used to love without regret, take risked without fear, chased her dreams and never gave up. You reminded me I lost my hope and faith. I gave up on my dreams. You told me not to give up. Just not yet. Not this time.

That night you made love to me. Like a woman should be made love to. You were gentle and kind. You took your time. I knew you were mine. We cuddled afterwards for hours, until I had to get up for work the next morning. I went to get up, you held me close and told me not to go. I didn’t want to leave either. I had just found the other half of my soul. The half of my soul that forgot about my dreams, and I would give up over and over again. Each time you reminded me. Don’t give up yet. Not yet… not yet….

Written by V.C. ChristianContinue reading “Chasing Dreams- Love”

Hey you! Behind that desk, are you happy now?

I see you everyday I work. I come in at six a.m. and I leave at two p.m. You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. I’m not blind. I see you are on salary. You make up your own hours. You don’t care.  Sometimes you come in at 8 a.m. It’s usually 10 a.m. though. I see you walk quickly down the hallway. A mad dash to your office… where you will sit all day and pretend to be busy. Your usually talking to your kid or your hot mess of a girlfriend on the phone. I’m not stupid. Your still getting paid the same, to sit and hide in your office all day.

Here I am… knee deep in shit, and I really am. I got a resident over here that has dementia and loves to play in there poop. I have a new admission that has irritable bowel syndrome, and half my hall has been quarantined because they have c-diff. Call lights are ringing and the hallway is lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree. The nurse is trying to help me as much as she can, but she has got to get her meds passed and check blood sugars before lunch arrives.

All the other Nursing Assistants are knee deep in shit too, not to mention the five people with Alzheimers, just one of those aids has. They keep trying to get out of the short term care unit, because you neglected to put them in the locked unit for fear they would no longer be “skilled,” and you would loose your precious money. Meanwhile we are ready to piss ourselves because we were not able to take a restroom break or lunch break because we all fear we would get reprimanded and fired.

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. You think you could help me out here! You were once a Nursing Assistant, an Registered Nurse. You used to work the floor. Did you forget what it was like? To have compassion? To treat these residents with respect and dignity?  To not just see them as a dollar sign when they walk in the door? Did you forget to show your employees the same respect as well?

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. You think you could help me out here! It’s Christmas again! Every single call light is on and ringing. Half of these people need to go to the bathroom. You think you could put them on the bedpan, or commode for me? Im drowning! Three people need ice water. You think you could at least do that? I promise you won’t have to get your hands dirty. I got a family member thats upset. You think you could come talk to them? It’s your job to make sure complainants are addressed.

No I will handle it. Do the job of many different people. I wear many different hats. Don’t you see? You hide behind that desk and close your office door. Never do you hear the complaints of residents, because they are dissatisfied that the  administrators did not care to introduce themselves. No they dont even know who you are.

Never have you heard a person sob, because this is their first time receiving treatment in a nursing home. Never will you listen to a wife, talk about the husband she has been married to for fifty-two years, that just passed away, right before she fell and broke her hip.  Now she is here. Never will you hold the hand of a dying person, and console their family members. This person was their Father, their Mother, Spouse, Grandfather, Great-Grandfather, and so much more. To me they were a friend.

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. I see you, papers pilled high around you now. Your stressed out and sweating. And you know what? I don’t give a damn. Squirm like the worm that you are! Should have thought about that while you were on the phone, taking personal phone calls. Ignoring these wise and wonderful human beings. These elderly, their family members, your staff. Word has it if census does not increase you will be fired. Was it worth it? Was all the money really worth it? Hopefully this experience was humbling.  I can only hope it gave you a lesson in compassion.

You.. yea, I’m talking to you… hiding behind that desk. Get the hell off you high horse and the horse you rode in on!

Writing is best done in the wee hours of the morning.

It seems I can get so much more writing done in the wee hours of the morning. My son is nursing himself back to sleep and I will be getting up in a few hours to go to work. I probably will not get much sleep. Having a rambunctious eight-month old is no easy task, but it is a challenge I gladly accept. So I write, because writing has always been my quiet time. Right now I am writing a short story that would turn into a fictional novel. So I continue to write a little everyday. And who knows, I may find I have written enough to publish a book!

Breastfeeding is an Amazing Experience!

I am currently breastfeeding my 8 month old son. It has completely changed the way I think about breasfeeding. I have heard some women don’t want to give up breasfeeding their children! Before I was a mother, I didn’t understand why. Now I do. Here is why….

1. Your body is providing your baby with nourishment.  How cool is that?!

2. It is social time for them! (Babies love to smile and talk while they are having a snack.)

3. Breastfeeding is a bond that only your child and you share. (I like to think of it as Mommy and baby time.)

4. It has many health benefits that are long lasting.
https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.cdph.ca.gov/programs/breastfeeding/Documents/MO-BF-Benefits.pdf&sa=U&ei=kbd1U5WECceAqgbv44CwAg&ved=0CBUQFjAFOBQ&usg=AFQjCNEdp_AQhVeZ9od1YbnntXKP-LiZrw

5. The milk always fresh and the right temperature, when it comes directly from the tap.

6. Did you know breast milk has similar properties cannabis? (Cool!)
http://www.naturalnews.com/036526_cannabinoids_breast_milk_THC.html

7. It tastes like sugar water.

8. Breastfeeding in public boosts your self esteem. (You have to be very confident to do this, and not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks!)

We as mothers do whatever we can to provide. Even if it is not right from the tap. But I must say, I enjoy the special bond I have with my son because of breastfeeding. It has helped me to become a more confidant mother!

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can get you out of debt!

I applied for a new job today. I will make less than what I currently do, but I would be much happier than I am at my current job. I am reminded though that money can’t buy you happiness!
The place I work is a LTC facility. All they care about is bringing in top dollar from the people that we take care of. The ancillary staff will never receive any of that money. Only the corporation, the corporate employees and administration will. When the facility looses money it is blamed on the Nurses and Nursing assistaints. We are not valued at all.
So after 9 years of bullcrap I applied at a smaller LTC facility that is not a large cooperation.  They care about people. They value the residents and staff members. So I might make a dollar less, for less stress. Its worth it!
I finally have it all. A job where  I am valued. A beautiful family. A wonderful husband, a happy marriage,  and a beautiful baby boy.
However I am reminded of the mounting pile of debt I have. Student loans I will never be able to pay off. Medical bills from my sons birth. Then at the end of the day, I come home to a cramped one bedroom apartment that all three of us can barely move in, because we can’t afford anything else. Our fridge is almost empty because we only have 150 dollars to spend on groceries a month. Yea money can’t buy happiness, but it can pay off debt and give my family more room grow. Mabie even a decent meal. I am reminded rasing the minimum wage isnt enough.  Our Government and Companies need to be held accontible and responsible from stealing money from the poor middle class, students, and the elderly. But, money can’t buy happiness. Right?